Islam versus Europe

As Spaniards host spontaneous street parties to celebrate their team's triumph in the European Championship, in a shock move UEFA has announced that due to allegations of racism Spain will be stripped of its title, which will now instead be awarded to Italy.

"Italian" striker Mario Balotelli told Italian journalists that he had filed accusations of racism immediately after the match. "Da racism was incredible," he said, in barely comprehensible Italian. "Da Spanish players, da referee, da linesmen, da crowd, whole Ukraine, was racist," he declared. "We woulda wun if it hadn't been for da racism. Spain is a disgrace."

Pressed for details of the racism he had experienced, Balotelli was vague. "Sum dem Spanish players gimme da bad looks. I could tell dey was racist. Plus, look at the yellow on the Spanish shirts. Same colour as a banana. Racist. Da referee shoulda gave us eight penalities. He didn't because he was racist. Look at Spain. Not one soul brotha in da team. Racist."

"When I went out on pitch, it was like I was ran into a wall of racism. Da crowd. Da atmosphere. Drowning me, in a sea of racism." Asked if the racism was more like a wall or a sea, Balotelli replied, "both." "First a wall, then a sea," he expanded. "The wall of racism melted into the sea of racism."

In an official press release, UEFA announced that it had held an emergency high-level meeting to hear Balotelli's allegations. "Judging them to be well-founded, we feel we have no option but to send a strong signal to the world that racism is unacceptable in football and in the modern world. Spain has been stripped of its title. Italy is the new European champion."

Asked how anyone could take Italy seriously as European champions after being trounced 4-0 by Spain, a UEFA spokesman declared, "Racism changes everything. There are things more important than football."