Islam versus Europe

In a surprise move, Prime Minister David Cameron today held out the prospect of Al Qaeda joining NATO. "Look, we've had our differences. We've had our quarrels. Everyone recognises that. What I want to say is, let's put them aside. Let's look to the future not the past. Both NATO and, I believe, Al Qaeda would be much stronger together than apart."

"Look at Turkey. There's a country right at the heart of NATO whose political perspective isn't too different from that of Al Qaeda. In Libya, NATO and Al Qaeda are already working together defeat an evil regime. We are determined that our missions there will continue until the Libyan people have been freed and this awful man, Colonel Gaddafi, has been brought to justice, I hope before an international tribunal."

"What I would say to Sheikh Osama is this. We're willing to let bygones be bygones. We can arrange a full pardon for any crimes that may or may not have been committed. And we guarantee that you or your representatives will play a full part in the NATO decision-making process."

When questioned by journalists about how he could justify working with terrorists, the Prime Minister replied that he rejected the use of the word "terrorist" because he felt it was offensive, anachronistic and islamophobic. Asked what word he would use instead to describe Al Qaeda, the Prime Minister replied "passionate". "These are people who are passionate. They feel strongly about their point of view. And that's fine. We respect that."

The proposal forms part of a new "respect agenda" being introduced by NATO as it seeks to promote cooperation with the Arab and Muslim world. This package of measures will include the adoption of Arabic as one of the official languages of NATO, alongside English and French.

Downing Street aides insisted that US President Obama was fully behind the overture to Al Qaeda. Indeed, some hinted that the initiative for the reconciliation process may have originated in the White House. The Prime Minister also announced that, following a telephone conversation with President Obama, he had decided to convert to Islam and would henceforth be known as Jalubh bin Tafeer.